Is there an expiration date on this thing? I mean, I haven't been here for like a year!

Hello everyone!
I don't know what it is about the internet that makes people open up and spill their guts out. Maybe its just knowing that there is no one looking directly at you in the face when you shout at your computer screen or start breaking down and sobbing on your keyboard. Maybe its because nobody cares what you say or who you are, unless they feel that you are important to them and that you are worth their time. Only those select few who know you will understand what you say. Who knows? I guess that's just how I feel.

So for those of you who know me, and for those who don't, here is an update on my life; whether it is of any significance to you or not is none of my concern. haha.
Right now at this point in my life I feel, all at once: Happiness, love, uncertainty, shame, dependence, expectation, and determination. I know. Its a whole slough of things, right? Well, what do you expect from a woman/girl still learning how to become an independent, self-sustaining, admirable individual?

Happiness:
I feel happiness for everything that I have been blessed with. My family, my boyfriend, my friends, and my education. Not to mention everything else I seem to take for granted on a daily basis... like breathing. I know its corny to say such things, but everyone has got to do it once in awhile! I mean, where would we be if we allowed ourselves to lose sight of what has helped us subconsciously survive? In other words, what can we possibly see if our heads are stuck too far up our asses? haha. No seriously, we shouldn't wait till something drastic happens in order feel grateful or happy for such fundamental things.

 

Love:

I feel love for all of the above. Family and friends. However, I must admit I didn’t believe there was this certain kind of love, untill I met my boyfriend (that must be a lyric in some corny song somewhere).  I honestly felt like shit millions of times throughout my life because there was always something missing. I easily blamed it on puberty (as Ryan always does).  But , I guess, that wasn’t the case. I felt love when I realized that someone liked everything about me, especially things that I hated most about myself. No matter how weird I was, or how disgusting I acted, I am always loved in return. And that, as said in Moulin Rouge, is the greatest thing to ever learn in life: To love someone and to be loved in return.

 

Uncertainty:

I feel uncertainty for my future and every step I take towards it. Who doesn’t? If anything, it’s a definite part of every human being’s life span. It sucks, right? I have no clue what I want to do as career. But as of now I am studying to become the number one female Filipino stereotype: a nurse. ..dammit. Well where else is a person with no passion or outstanding talent to go? I like the idea of becoming a nurse, I’ll admit. But I am not the type to conform. Not to mention I am a full pledged anti-Filipino-fad-conformist. But, as they say, it ‘brings home the bacon.’ Don’t get me wrong. I love health science and I would love to help people out, its just that you can walk up to any ‘baby boomer’ generation Filipino and ask them what they would want their child to study and grow up to be. 95% probability they will say ‘nurse’ if not the universal statement of ‘doctor’ or  ‘lawyer.’

 

Shame:

I feel shame for my mediocracy and stupidity. Many times I feel like I’m not made for the UC system. A lot of the times I hear: ‘It’s just Santa Cruz.’ So I say to myself, ‘Then why is it so hard for me?’ I’ve hit a bunch of speed bumps in college, and even crashed into a few walls, metaphorically speaking. Honestly, I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me. I don’t party, I hate drinking, and I despise skipping class. And yet I feel like I struggle most amongst my peers. Despite the fact that many of my classmates spend less time on school work than I do, my grades suffer more. And for that reason, I am shameful for my mediocre brain and ability to learn at a college level. Pathetic, is it not?

 

Dependence:

I fear, now that I have discovered how slow I am, I must depend on others to help me. I wanted to be independent and amazingly succesful once I entered college, but only the opposite happened. I crashed into walls and slowed my pace down a great deal. And now I must rely on others for moral support. This, I guess, is not entirely bad. I have learned that I don’t have to always do things alone, and that being the same intimidating and individualistic person I was in high school is not going to cut it with the way things are going now. I gueass leaning on others for support isn’t all that bad. But I can’t help but feel vulnerable and a little pathetic at times. And for those that know me, its not in my personality to feel that way.

 

Expectation:

There’s always been an expecation for me. Not really placed on me by my parents. They just wanted me to do my best, as they would say. Apparently I’m the culprit who put all the weight on my shoulders. I’m sure everyone has felt a weight of their own. It all starts when we first succeed at something, whether it be in life or academically. But I’m sure all of you know what it feels like to be rewarded and praised for doing well at anything. Its basically like a drug. Something you want to feel over and over. That’s how it was for me. I liked being thought of as the smart child in my family. I liked being the over-achiever and outgoing one. I thought my parents enjoyed that part of me, but all they really wanted me to do was to try my best. So they’re not to blame when it came to the pressure that I felt to do well in life and in school. Sadly, now that I know what its like to fail and to feel stupid and vulnerable, the expectation has eased up in some ways. For my parents, it has always been the same, but now they understand why I’m such a messed up and stressed out kid. But they still love me. They pick me up and dust me off. Unfortunately I still harbor expectations for myself. I want to redeem myself and prove to the world that I’m not so weak. Even though I am, in some ways.

 

Determination:

Now, more than ever, am I determined to prove to everyone, especially my parents, that I can succeed and become an extraordinary person. Despite my mistakes and my pathetic demeanor . Even if I am uncertain of my future and what I want to do, I know there is one thing that I will forever be determined to do. I want to become a responsible and reliable adult that my family can turn to and depend on at any given time of day. I want to be the person who takes care of my parents and who others look up to. Perhaps this will be the driving force of my wishful success.

 

So there you go folks. An incredibly and unnecessarily long entry about whats going on in my life right now. If you made it through the whole thing and you are now reading this sentence: congratulations for tolerating my blabbering! I appreciate it. Godspeed.

Life is an ugly, obnoxious bitch.
...but sometimes that ugly, obnoxious bitch doesn't seem to bother me...or at least I won't let her. haha.
Right now school is okay. It has it's ups and downs. I LOVE my female physiology, and I HATE my calculus.

I've realized certain things about myself since I've been here.
I am a very antisocial person. I don't enjoy talking to new people and I don't care that much anymore about how small the amount of friends I have now.
I enjoy being in the company of old friends rather than new ones.
I worry too much. I over-analyze my life and end up worrying about everything.
Video games are my SAVIOR.
I eat to fill my stomach rather than eat to satisfy my hunger. (If that makes any sense)

I don't know If I ever stated this on my xanga, but I'm on the dance team. Not much to brag about since we're not exactly top-notch competitors. Buuuuut we have a show coming up and my schedule is PACKED with nonstop dance fun! *thumbs up* (I hope you heard the sarcasm in that) So basically what I'm trying to say is that there is a possibility that I might die within the next 2 weeks since, you know, I'm already brain dead from midterms. But if I survive, then hopefully I'll be able to put up with the rest of that ugly, obnoxious bitch called Life. Other than that I'm sure everything will honky dory. hehehe....

uhhhhh....Merry Christmas and Happy New Year?....! yeah.

I'm back in school for the new quarter. My new year's resolution: NO MORE PROCRASTINATION. yeah right.

My classes don't look any easier, but I'm planning on working extra hard. oh yes.

Perhaps things are finally looking up for me. hmmmm. =D